There was a rookie preacher asked to officiate a wedding for the first time.  He was nervous. So he decided to seek help from a more experienced minister. The older minister told him, “Don’t worry about it.  Just recite any appropriate Bible verse and everything will be all right. They’re not going to remember what you say anyway.” The day of the wedding came, and the rookie preacher was even more nervous. As he looked at the couple standing before him, he forgot everything he was going to say.  Remembering what the older minister said about reciting a scripture, he quoted the first Scripture that came to mind, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”

It is increasingly clear our society does not know what they are doing when it comes to marriage. In fact, more and more, we are hearing marriage is an outdated and even harmful arrangement.  For many the idea of marriage is too painful and best discarded. The answer to the challenge of marriage is not to replace it, but to return to the most important truth about your marriage: your marriage is not about your marriage.  Marriages are successful when they realize that they are about something bigger than themselves.  When you are not finding the answers in each other, look for someone bigger than yourselves. 

Foundational Truths

Building Block of Society

Marriage is the foundation of civilization and society.  If it doesn’t work then there is nothing that can be done.  There are no programs or amount of money that will fix a society where marriage does not work.  It was the first human relationship to be established.  This is by God’s order. 

Why did God make marriage?

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

Genesis 2:18

Seven times in the first chapter of Genesis God declares all that he has made to be “good.”  But in 2:18, for the first time, he declares an aspect of creation “not good.” What specifically is not good is that the man is “alone.” Now, Adam is not lonely. He does not even have a concept of what loneliness is. He is in perfect fellowship with God. It is more like the task before him is so big, he cannot do that job alone.  It is not good because the larger purpose God has for him cannot be fulfilled by himself.   The word “suitable” means to “help as one standing opposite or different from him.” Adam didn’t need another strong back to build a structure or pick fruit.  He needed someone who was different than him emotionally and physically.  

 In v.19 God wants Adam to realize there is something missing. He begins a process where he revs up in Adam a desire for companionship.  As an old expression goes: “Half the having is in wanting.”  In v.19 he names the animals.  

Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name.   

Genesis 2:19

What a guy! He is created, married, and names the animals in one day.  Two questions: 1) How does he name the animals in one day? 2) How does this rev up his desire for companionship? Adam does not name all of the animals.  Here it mentions birds and beast of the field.  In v.20 it will mention livestock. What is not mentioned are fish, wild animals, and creeping animals.  Further he just names kinds.  Not individual species. 

Second, paraded before him are hippos, giraffes, aardvarks.  As he goes through each one and names them, they probably peak his curiosity because they are in pairs.  He sees Mr. Aardvark and Mrs. Aardvark, Mr. and Mrs. Giraffe and Mr. Hippo and then Mrs. Hippo. (Though I’m sure she didn’t want to be called that.) In the process of naming he realizes that something is missing.  There is no Mrs. Adam. This is why it states in v.20, “for Adam there was no suitable helper.”

So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 

Genesis 2:20

He realizes something is missing. What does this term “helper” mean? It could be defined as one who comes alongside in a task.  I do not believe the focus is helping Adam’s personal needs, though that comes into play.  It is what they are called to do as a team together.  God is often called a “helper.”  He is NOT our cosmic bell-hop. He is an ever-present help in time or trouble.  One of the Holy Spirit’s titles is “helper.” Helper also means one who comes to the rescue! So, Adam needs a partner who is very much like him but also very different.

So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs‍‍ and closed up the place with flesh.

Genesis 2:21

“Deep sleep” sounds like God gives Adam some type of celestial Sominex. 

Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib‍‍ he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

Genesis 2:22

Do you know where one of the best places is in the body to do get tissue to do reconstructive surgery?  The rib. Do you know who knew that?  God.

What is the deeper meaning of this? God sacrifices something from the man in behalf of the woman. This is the measure of a man.  The true measure of manhood is that their strength and talents and resources are used for the service of others: our work, our community, our family. It is sacrifice.  The leadership of husbands should always be characterized by one BIG question, “How can I serve you?” “How can I advance God’s best in your life?” 

Love your wives as Christ loved the church…wives respect your husbands… (Ephesian 5:22, 33) He sacrifices and she compliments.  There is a mutual serving.  Our hormonal make up and the wiring of our brains is such that when a man sacrifices a woman honors and respects.  

Brenda, my wife, values providing me a safe place at home.  She plays a really big role in what I do in ministry.  She thinks about the weight of responsibilities I carry and supports me in it. What I do in ministry is a big reflection on what she does for me.  But just as important, she needs emotional connection; she needs me to encourage her and support her in God’s plan. 

Your marriage is about bringing each other closer in fulfilling God’s mission and plan.
The focus is not on each other but God.    

Moms have a unique capacity to nurture children.  A dad’s role is vital in this but different.  Husbands need to ask how to help their wives to be successful in the mission of parenting.  This goes for financial stewardship and management. This goes for ministry and discipleship. The big question is how do you serve each other to fulfill God’s mission. Husbands and wives need to realize the strength of their differences to advance God’s mission. Who is more important in football: the quarterback or receiver?  What tool is better, the hammer or the screw driver? Neither is more important. They are both essential to accomplish the common mission.    

What do you need to do? 

Understand the difference. 

The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman, ‍ for she was taken out of man.”

Genesis 2:23

This statement is a Hebrew expletive. Adam is beside himself (almost literally), as if to say, “Wrap it up, I’ll take it.”   “Bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” is a way of saying, “You complete me.”  It is important to see that the attraction is in the difference. One time a guy asked me if I had ever got in touch with my feminine side. I responded that I did when I got married. 

Sometimes couples complain that they do not have a lot in common. That can be an issue at some levels. Yet, what is most valuable in the marriage relationship is not what you have in common but what makes you different.  Our differences as male and female goes down to the cellular level.  The record here in Genesis tells us that we’ve been purposefully created by a loving and wise God.   Biologists have demonstrated that every cell in our body is stamped XX (women) or XY (men).

• Our chromosomes are different.
• Our brains are different.
• Our voices are different.
• Our body shapes are different.
• Our body strengths are different. (On average a man’s body is composed of 40% muscle, and a woman’s is 25% muscle. 50% more blood.)
• Our reproductive systems are different.

Paula Johnson (researcher who sought to understand the differences of medicine and healthcare for men and women) said this:

“Every cell has a sex — and what that means is that men and women are different down to the cellular and molecular level. It means that we’re different across all of our organs, from our brains to our hearts, our lungs, our joints”

Value the difference  

This is a little bit of a overgeneralization. But if you were to crack open a man’s brain, you will see a waffle. (This doesn’t mean that they waffle on all decisions) A waffle has little boxes and you can put everything in a box: a work box, a parenting box, a finance box, a marriage box, a ministry box) Men put their lives in thought boxes. As a result, men are problem-solvers by nature. They enter a box, size up the problem and formulate a solution. If you were to crack open a woman’s brain, you would find spaghetti. Everything is connected to everything: work, kids, friendships, ministry. Everything is connected and it all bleeds into each other and is at times fueled by a lot of emotion. Men have one browser opened at a time, and women have several browsers opened at a time.

In my home this is seen by Brenda being in tune with so much more than I am.  I’m focused on one thing.  This means that as I stay in tune with her, she helps me to be aware of many things I otherwise would not see. I am able to stay focused through times of pressure and decision making.

Find unity in the difference.  (v.24) 

²⁴ For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

Genesis 2:24

“One flesh” means to stick like glue!  This glue-like oneness was to achieve something very much bigger than themselves.  Their job is to fill the earth and rule over it.  (See Genesis 1:28) Marriage is for mission. What about joining in a mission and larger purpose together.  This is important to spot in the dating relationship, as well. If the person you are dating does not have a sense of calling and responsibility to  something bigger than himself/herself, chances are the relationship will go nowhere. 

Counselor James H. Olthuis writes,

‘To try to keep love just for us . . . is to kill it slowly.  We are not made just for each other; we are called to a ministry of love to everyone we meet and in all we do. In marriage, too, Jesus’ words hold true; in saving our lives we lose them, and in losing our lives in love to others, we drink of life more deeply.’ “

Dennis Rainey warns,

‘Every marriage, given its own course, will naturally drift toward isolation, two people separate from one another.’ [We] want to stop that natural drift toward isolation. Whenever we minister together, we build into our week precious hours where we focus on exactly the same thing at the same time. That’s a powerful practice, and it builds marriages.

Can I give you the most important truth about your marriage? It is not about your marriage.  Marriages are successful when spouses realize that they are about something bigger than themselves.  When you are in marital difficulty, or you are trying to even makes sense of your marriage, realize it is not about you.  The Bible blueprint of hope is this: When you are not finding the answers in each other, look to God’s purposes which are bigger than yourselves. 

 

The concept of marriage appears to be rapidly falling out of style. In fact, there are some in Western culture who call it an entirely antiquated idea, perhaps claiming that it is far too big and unnecessary a commitment or that they do not need a state-approved piece of paper to “validate” their love.

In relationships and dating, marriage has become only one of many potential outcomes/paths to take as opposed to the end-destination. Culture has vastly underemphasized its beauty and necessity.

We would do well to remember that marriage is not a state-created institution; it was created and blessed by God, and it is a vital part of his plan for the thriving and abundance of not only men and women but society as a whole.

Two key passages will rest at the foundation for our discussion today.

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” ²⁰ So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. ²¹ So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. ²² Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. ²³ The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” ²⁴ That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Genesis 2:18, 20-24

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”

Genesis 1:27-28

In these two passages, we receive the outline of God’s plan for male/female relationships and the building of human society. We should not take this lightly, as he has given us the building blocks for human flourishing. Whether a society follows the biblical model for marriage is one of the greatest indicators of its long-term health. God knows what he’s doing.

It’s Better for Kids

In the first few pages of the Bible, God makes it clear that a marriage is to consist of one man and one woman in a union of love and commitment. This is the model for an intimate relationship, and consequently, it is the model for raising children. As they grow up, a child needs both the steady guidance and protection of their father and the nurturing love and comfort of their mother. This is by design.

Unfortunately, the percentage of children living in single-parent households (and these are overwhelmingly single-mother households in particular) is around twenty-one. The data trends seem to indicate this will only rise, if anything, as premarital sex and abuse appear to be increasing within relationships.

Furthermore, children in single-parent households are much more likely to be impoverished and food-insecure. Boys without a father are much more likely to enter into a life of crime. One could say there is no greater predictor of childhood stability than having a married mother and father who live together. If more and more households are not adhering to this practice, however, and failure to do so often ushers in poverty and dysfunction, then we can expect to see more poverty and dysfunction within larger society, as the financial and emotional stability a married household affords to children may be seen as the antidote to this.

Kids who grow up in two-parent families perform better socially, academically, and vocationally. This puts them at a major advantage when compared to children from unmarried households because social, academic, and career performance are three pivotal factors in living a successful, functional life.

This is sobering news, but it is not surprising. When it comes to the abundance of any given society, God has made it clear the backbone of that is supposed to be married men and women being fruitful and multiplying. When we deviate from this, we can expect any number of disastrous results.

It Helps Ensure Financial Stability

We previously talked about poverty, and this section continues the discussion. The writer of this article is by no means claiming marriage will solve all your money problems, and indeed, money troubles/disagreements are up there at the top of the list of reasons couples get divorced.

However, there is no denying the obvious financial benefit of joining two bank accounts together. Suddenly, the household has two incomes instead of one! The man and wife are both, if the marriage is healthy, working together to make investments for the future of the family, paying debts, and building a life together. This is no small thing, and it can effectively stave off poverty, from a small-scale perspective, in your family, and on a large-scale perspective, within society.

It Allows for Longstanding Love and Loyalty

If there is, as we see in Western culture, a dramatic decrease in marriage relationships, then we have some rather disturbing implications with which we must contend.

Think for a moment on the definition of biblical marriage. Marriage is a covenantal relationship made before God between one man and one woman to cleave together in a lifelong, exclusive relationship of love and loyalty. It is meant to symbolize Christ’s love and devotion to his bride the Church.

If culture is, by and large, steering clear of the institution of marriage, or at least viewing it as a non-necessity, then what it is really doing is rejecting the idea of lifelong commitment, love, and loyalty to one person.

This is reflective in how our culture currently treats the idea of relationships and love. Everything is very casual, not at all how God intended things to be. “Hookup culture” is dominant, with people searching more for a temporary good time than a life partner. Even romantic partners are less and less viewed with the intentions of permanent companionship; people become infatuated with one another, live together for a time, and then separate to find someone else. The idea of traversing the ups and downs of life with one person, supporting and loving them through thick and thin is not as prominent. After all, why stick with one person when there are so many options—so many sexual opportunities?

This diminishes the love and intimacy men and women experience with each other. When people view their relationships as temporary or expendable, then that is simply the natural result. People will have less happy and fulfilling relationships.

Moreover, people are not guaranteed as strong a support system as they grow older and inevitably experience the tragedies that come with life. If there is not one consistent loving partner with you to weather the storms, life becomes significantly more difficult. Does that role have to be filled by a spouse? No, but it is best filled by a spouse—someone who has pledged their fidelity to you and only you, who is closest to you and knows you better than anyone else.

What Now?

1. Appreciate the Marriage Structure

God doesn’t set things up the way he does for arbitrary or nonsensical reasons. He is intentional in his design, and we see this in his design for marriage. He knows the optimal setting in which to raise a child, to experience love, and to grow old with another person.

This is why, as you navigate life through a world whose view of relationships has become so cynical and consumeristic, we need to look past that fog and see the beauty of the biblical marriage structure. Its complimentary nature is a wonderful reflection of the differences between men and women and the ingenuity of our Creator.

Does appreciating the marriage structure mean everyone must get married? Not at all. In fact, God has called some to a life of singleness and celibacy, and that is just as valid a route to take as marriage. For most people, however, it is good to marry.

2. Pursue Biblical Marriage

Hold your horses for a moment. I am not advocating that you rush into the marriage with the first person who goes on three dates with you. That is foolishness. Marriage is a commitment, and it is a serious one.

What I am saying, though, is that if you choose to pursue a romantic relationship with the opposite sex, your end-goal should be marriage. That should be the reason you are searching for a partner. There is no point in dating or courtship if neither person plans to marry. Dating is a fun and joyous time, but it is also a vehicle to something far greater: a lifelong covenant of love with your spouse. If you do not agree with where the vehicle is taking you, then get off at the next stop.

Should you choose to pursue marriage, there is no need to feel embarrassed or strange about it. You are pursuing a good thing. Healthy, committed marriage relationships between men and women are the bedrock of a healthy society. Keep prayerfully searching for who God has in store for you, but never let that distract you from serving your King!